


Et al.

by Mercysong



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Friendship, Fuckit what are tags, Gen, Mentions of Suicide and Depression, Nightmares, Other, Platonic Arumika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 02:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1802020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercysong/pseuds/Mercysong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were memories she never wanted to pull out of her throat and Mikasa was sure they would die with her in the grave. And despite the horrors that she faced when she slept - waking up to a racing heart and inability to fall back asleep - she still had no desire to reveal what had happened in that cabin to anyone, especially not Armin. Yet she had sat there on that window sill with him on a sleepless night and described those events in living detail, praying and hoping that he would see her in the same light as before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Et al.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a completely platonic interaction between Mikasa and Armin. I mean... I guess if you want to interpret it as romantic, go ahead? I can't stop anyone. xD
> 
> Their friendship needs more love than it gets, honestly. *intense glaring at the official art for cutting Armin out all the time*

Despite the nightmare she had been enduring, Mikasa did not wake with a start like most. A cold sweat had not broken out across her brow, nor was she feeling shaky or clammy after the ordeal. Instead, she had simply opened her eyes and liberated herself of the hell that her mind had brought upon her in such a vulnerable state. She was used to it by now; she had lost count of the times she had dreamt of it.

Mikasa turned in her bed onto her back, now fully awake due to the pounding in her heart and the endorphins in her blood. These were the things she could not control and thus the only side-effects from her nightmares. However, they always prevented her from getting back to sleep for quite some time.

Slowly, she raised her hand to her eyes and rubbed. She fought back the tears that threatened to surface and wiped away any that leaked with her rubbing fingers, and wondered to herself why her sleep-cloaked mind always made it a point to remind her of such a terrible thing. She continued until the threat of tears had passed.

By that point, Mikasa decided that staying in her bed wasn’t going to help her any longer. It would take quite some time for her to fall back asleep and in that time, fighting her tears would just grow more difficult and pointless as moments passed, until she would end up weeping until the sun found its way on the horizon. Slowly and quietly, she swung her legs over the edge and gripped the thin comforter on her bunk around her shoulders. Standing, her toes curled uncomfortably on the cold floor.

Without missing a beat, she grabbed the red scarf that lay draped on the head of her bunk and coiled it around her neck, underneath the blanket now. With silent steps and relieved toes, she padded her way out of the women’s sleeping quarters. There was no intent of where she would go, as long as she wandered faster than her mara could. Silent as she was, making her way through the hallways of the training bunker that housed her regiment, she did not fear getting caught by her superiors. Not as much as she feared returning to bed only to remain awake all night, at least.

The blanket that rode upon her shoulders dragged on the ground lightly behind her, following the path she took as she wandered the halls. There weren’t many places that she could go without remaining unseen, so she moved toward the place she was sure would be empty: the mess hall

Emerging into the large room, however, she did happen to notice a body near the windows to her left. Of course, it hadn’t been the body that alerted her, but instead the glowing lantern by its side that illuminated the form well. And it was well enough for her to recognize Armin with a book in his lap, sitting cross-legged upon the wide window ledge. He obviously had not heard her, for he was intently consuming the inked pages and his eyes had only moved to read the next lines.

Mikasa drew in a sharp breath without a sound and quickly turned to leave Armin to his devices. Despite Armin being her friend, she just didn’t want to be around him in the state that she was in. The idea, in fact, made her lungs tighten and her throat close. She fought the urge down again, which was stronger than the first.

She quietly grabbed the door’s handle and turned, creating a small click from the latch. Obviously, it had caught the attention of the reader, for she jumped at Armin’s confused voice. “Mikasa? What are you still doing up?” he asked with lilting words, shaping them gently. She cursed internally. Something had suddenly brought ice into her veins and she shivered, unprepared to react to his confrontation. She lowered her hand and straightened to face the blond boy, his book now spine up and marking the page he had left.

She brought her scarf up and over her nose, and lowered her gaze away from his. “Nightmares. Couldn’t sleep.” Her responses were kept short and curt, trying to make her problem seem as small as possible. Despite not looking up, however, she automatically knew Armin’s blue eyes had shifted from curiosity to concern.

She heard Armin shift lightly and murmur a small, “Oh.” She heard the snap of a book closing, and looked up at him again. “Here,” Armin said, giving her a sympathetic smile, “Come sit.” He patted the space on the ledge next to him, freed of the book that was lying on the ground now.

Mikasa’s throat tightened again, and for the third time, she fought it back as she approached her friend and sat down. She pulled her legs up and crossed them to match Armin and faced him, yet never met his gaze. She continued to stuff down the rising tension in her chest, fearing that her words would come out strangled and shaky to him. The blanket on her shoulders no longer felt warm, she noticed. She gripped it tighter around her shoulders.

Before Armin could ask her anything, she had harnessed her voice again and spoke, “What are you doing up? And down here for that matter?” She removed her face from the folds of her scarf and locked eyes with him for the first time.

She watched him lift his arm to scratch the back of his head. “I wanted to keep reading after curfew, and keeping a lantern on in the room with everyone trying to sleep would get me in trouble.” Armin grinned widely.

“And this wouldn’t?” she half smiled at him and laughed subtly by forcing air out of her nose.

Armin simply shrugged and let out a small ‘true…’ through his smirk.

Mikasa dropped the subject with a soft smile. “How did you manage to get a lantern anyway?” she asked.

He waved her off and rolled his eyes playfully. “There may or may not be a post missing a light outside… but that’s not important,” he decided.

She chortled at him, for despite his very shy and polite demeanor, he could manage to be a mischievous little thing. Especially when it came to his books.

“However,” He began, the edges of his eyes hardening slightly, “what _is_ important is your nightmares.”

Mikasa felt her stomach flip and send a knot into her throat quickly; it was one that was tougher to swallow. She lowered her head subtly and looked away from him, her eyes now rigidly focused on Armin’s book. “Right,” she whispered lightly.

“Hey, now,” he cooed gently, “here, look at me.” He scooted closer to her and tentatively reached out to her face, as if unsure of how she would react. He placed his fingers gently under her chin to coax her eyes to his, to which she followed. Luckily, the knot had fallen back into her stomach and she could breathe again.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” Now focused onto his eyes, Mikasa could see his earnest promise to her. “I’m sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive,” Armin murmured lightly, removing his hand from her chin. He gave her a soft smile and continued, “I’ve just been worried about you lately, y’know; you don’t look like you’ve been getting enough sleep a-and I don’t want you to get hurt during training.”

At that comment, Mikasa just gave him a look that caused him to break into a fit of giggles, “I’m sorry, Mikasa, you are probably the _last_ person I should be concerned about in training.” She let out a small huff of laughter as well. He must have noticed her quiet, mischievous smirk, because he recovered quickly and continued to look her in the eyes. “But if your lack of sleep is because you keep having nightmares, I want to help you, ok? Like I said, you don’t have to tell me anything if you aren’t comfortable with it yet, but talking about it might help…”

“Armin-“

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m probably prying too far; it’s really none of my business. I’ll just let you-”

“Armin, _Armin._ ” She had been saying his name after he had interrupted her, finally letting out a stern voice, signaling him to halt. Despite that, she returned to her previous tone. “Don’t worry. You’re not prying too far. I just…” she muttered, feeling her voice start to crack near the end. She cleared her throat nervously and looked him dead in the eyes. A small panic had settled in her heart, making it race. She was going to have to explain what had happened that night, she realized.

Armin didn’t know about her past. Despite his companionship over the last five years, neither she nor Eren had ever told him about what had transpired before she met Armin. Yes, he knew that her parents were dead and had been killed brutally, but many, _many_ details had been left out from that explanation. And despite the times that she had suffered the recurring nightmares that stemmed from those memories, it had never occurred to her that he or anyone should know. To be honest, she doubted that she would _ever_ tell him of the horrors that occurred with her and Eren in that cabin in the woods. To burden him with that felt purely wrong to Mikasa.

Yet here he was sitting in front of her, his blue eyes consumed by his concern, anticipating her narration of the horrid things that ran through her mind and caused her nightmares. He was caring toward her, and she could truly see that he just wanted to help her get through this, but it was that observation that scared her the most, to which she lowered her eyes away from his. She was going to have to tell Armin something that would basically ruin how he saw her. Killing that man… it was the event that now dictated her entire life. How was she supposed to tell him something like that?

“It’s a long story Armin,” she whispered to him, covering her mouth and nose with her scarf again. “And I can’t guarantee that… that you’ll be able to look at me the same after it. I won’t blame you if you hated me because of it.” That was it; that was what she feared the most about telling him. Armin was one of the few people she trusted and losing him would break her heart. She didn’t want him to hate her, but at that moment, she felt as though she had no other option.

Armin had no response; she knew he was too smart to contradict her statement just yet, but his look was skeptical. Instead, he gently awaited her to gather herself and continue.

“You know about my parents, don’t you?” She asked him lightly, knowing the answer. “About what had happened to them?”

“Yes,” Armin whispered, adding nothing more.

Mikasa nodded lightly in understanding, took a deep breath and began. “My parents’ murderers were merchants who… who dealt in human trafficking. They were planning to sell my mother and me to the highest bidder, but they killed her in the struggle by accident. I… I wasn’t able to get away and they ended up taking me. She told me to run but I-I didn’t.”

Mikasa continued to recount her past to him, most of the words burning as they emerged from her chest. This had been the first time she had retold her memory to anyone, she realized. It was the first time these painful words scarred her throat like they had her mind. And as she continued to speak, she was spilling everything in detail. She accounted for how she blurrily awoke to her captors and being restrained, all of her senses clogged by what felt like cotton. She told him of all the horrible things the men had said to her while she had been tied and gagged, the terror she had felt but hardly showed to them. How the gag had rubbed the corners of her mouth raw – dried out her tongue – and the ropes burned her wrists until they bled. How she had wondered what her new life had in store for her as a slave and whether or not she would still be able to _call_ it a life. Her voice quavered as she emerged to the heaviest part of her story. Armin must have noticed the break in her tone, for he moved closer to her.

“Eren. Eren showed up at the cabin’s doors,” She began, tightening her hold on the blanket around her shoulders. She was not looking at him directly, but her dark eyes were in the direction of his chest. “He had a knife on him. The man who opened the door was the first one he got. Right here.” Mikasa had let the blanket go and with a free hand, placed her fingers gently on Armin’s chest.

She saw Armin straighten in surprise; he had moved away from her fingers. At that, Mikasa shut her eyes lightly and straightened up as well, bringing her hand back into the shelter of the comforter. The tension in her throat was returning again for the fifth time. It was heavy and  took much longer to force down. Despite her efforts, she felt a warm liquid escape from the corners of her eyes and run down her cheeks.

“He ran into a closet and grabbed a broom. He had somehow tied the knife to it and he-he…” Mikasa pressed her face into her palms, frustrated. She hadn’t even told him the worst and she was losing control of her emotions already. _As if I had control in the first place,_ was her quickest thought. “He rammed the second man. I lost track of how many times he stabbed him.” She had strained herself to speak that time and it was at this point that she had to take a break and breathe for a moment. The sides of her face were sticky from the saltwater and she tried futilely to wipe it away.

Her strangled breathing hitched in her throat when she felt a hand guiding hers away from her face. With reddening eyes, she forced herself to look up at Armin, who had not met her gaze, but had succeeded in freeing her face and was preoccupied with linking his hand with hers. She complied with his comforting action, softly smiling at the boy when he did look up at her. “Thanks,” she croaked lightly, feeling the tension subside inside. The action, however, had coaxed more tears from their hiding place.

“You don’t have to tell me any more about it, Mikasa. I… I think I understand now. That’s what your nightmares are about, aren’t they… you keep reliving that memory in your dreams and you can’t escape from it,” Armin said, looking down at their linked hands. He took it upon himself to stroke the back of her hand with his thumb soothingly, like she had done many times after saving him from his bullies, she noticed.

Mikasa looked at him, and then down to their hands. She wanted to leave it there and tell him he was right. It would be over: this whole ordeal; she could just say yes and then return to bed and try to sleep. This was the part that would scare him of her and she had been given a chance to run away and guarantee that she would keep her best friend.

She steeled herself and opened her mouth to confess. “You would think, wouldn’t you,” she sighed, tightening her hold on his hand and feeling warmth awash the wet lines down her face again, “You are somewhat right; I do keep reliving a memory I’d much rather forget.” Her voice quavered lightly.

“There were three of them, Armin. Eren killed two, but… as soon as he cut me free…” Her stomach flipped and suddenly she lost control of her facial muscles. Her lower lip pouted and began to shake. Her brows contracted and creased; she shut her eyes. The bottled up tears swarmed and poured down her face and she bared her teeth when her chest and back heaved as she sobbed. She took in a shaky breath and forged ahead, “The third had grabbed him; he couldn’t get the knife in time. He… he… _he was going to die, Armin._

“And he looked at me when he was being strangled by that man; he told me to fight and i-if I didn’t fight, I couldn’t win.” Armin’s free hand now thumbed away her tears lightly. She couldn’t remember how his hand had gotten so close without her realizing. In fact, Armin was much closer to her all together now, so much that their knees were almost touching.

Her voice was reduced to a strained whisper and her heart pounded loudly in her ears. “I didn’t have choice… he was going to die and I... I had to survive.” She bit her lip for a moment and steeled herself. “I picked up the knife he left, Armin. _I picked it up_ ,” Mikasa cried in a harsh whisper. Her hand became like a vise in Armin’s, and she leaned into his other hand sobbing.

She calmed herself, taking in manageable draughts of air through her mouth – her sinuses had been blocked. Calmer now, she opened her eyes and sought for his. She was looking for any sort of disgust or fear in his eyes – anything that would signify that he no longer saw her in a positive light. When she found them, he showed none of that. Instead, his blue eyes were creased by his concerned brow as he stared intently at her with compassion that felt like cold rain on her skin. He had lowered his hand from her face, but his other still gripped her hand strongly and loyally. Her breath hitched again. Afterward, the air rushed from her lungs calmly and she continued. “It went through his heart from the back. I… _I stabbed him_ through the heart from the back.

“ _We were nine years old_ ,” she began to whimper; “I killed him when I was _nine_. I had to kill a man to _survive_ at nine years old. _I didn’t even know how life began and I had to kill him._ ” At this point, she was sobbing and near shouting, and only a small comforting ‘shhh’ from Armin and a squeeze from his hand were able to bring her voice down.

“That’s what haunts me most. That is the memory that my mind can’t seem to deal with,” she cried silently.“Ever since that night, I’ve had that same scene played back to me in my nightmares. It repeats, over and over until I can wake myself up. It became less and less frequent as I grew older, but I still face it regularly.

“I don’t understand why it’s that of all things,” she said softly, calming down to an extent. “I know I had to do it to survive and that the world is probably better off without him in it. Yet… it keeps coming back. Over and over; night after night.” She unlatched her hand from his and brought her knees to her chest. She rested her head on them, gazing out of the window at the tree line in the distance against the night sky. “This world is very cruel, Armin. And I guess my nightmares have to make me remember that. They remind me that this world won’t hesitate to take my life or the lives of who I love away if I don’t _fight back._ If I hadn’t killed that man… Eren would be dead and I would be someone’s slave.”

Mikasa felt her chest tighten again and she choked on her tears. “I just… I just wish it would stop. I’ve had enough of being reminded; pretending like I’m not scared or that I’m not phased when the world rears its ugly face. I _am_ scared. I’m terrified that I won’t be strong enough, and that this world is going to take you or Eren away from me.

“And I don’t know what I would do if I lost either of you; you’re my only family now and I-” She bit her lip and felt wetness on her knees. She had been bottling all of this up, she realized, and hadn’t had the chance to fully explore and understand what was going on herself. She lifted her head slowly off of her knees and whispered, “I don’t want to lose what I have left.”

She continued to gaze out the window, speaking more to herself than she was Armin. “I don’t want to fight to survive anymore. I… I just want to be alive. I don’t want to be scared of every waking moment, knowing that there’s a good chance someone I love will die or no longer be with me. I don’t want to fight titans for the rest of my life and see everyone get eaten.” Her words were raspy as she fought the tight muscles in her throat that desperately wanted to seize her voice in unrelenting hiccups. She hugged her knees closer to her chest and focused her eyes on her bare toes. “Armin… I-I don’t want to live in this world anymore,” she whispered quietly, realizing it for herself, “and I can’t escape it unless I...” She bit her lip and stopped herself.

They sat for a long time in silence, and Mikasa moved her eyes back to the window. She didn’t expect anything from him, but his silence still worried her substantially. Yet, she accepted it. She knew the possible consequences of telling him what was on her mind. “I’m sorry, Armin,” she breathed shakily. “I’m just… I’ll go back to bed now. Thanks… for listening to me.” She stood only to feel a strong tug on the duvet she was carrying across her shoulders.

“M-mikasa, don’t.” His voice was barely audible to her and she would have missed it without paying attention. “P-please, stay here.” She heard him sniff quietly and she turned, watching as he lifted his face toward hers. Tears had streaked down his cheeks and left salt stains and his voice was quivering. “I don’t want you to be alone after that, _please_.” With a small scan of his blue eyes, she saw terror when she expected disdain.

“Armin, don-“

“ _No_ , don’t argue. I am not letting you be alone,” he restated firmly. His eyes had hardened, despite the pools of water. “You’ve been dealing with this for so long, Mikasa… I can’t imagine what you’ve had to go through, having those nightmares. A-and I understand why you feel the way you do.” He stood swiftly and wrapped his arms around her, gripping her in a tight embrace. He buried his face into her shoulder and lost his hold on the tears behind his eyes. “But I don’t want to lose you either, ok? P-please, don’t…” He choked up before he could finish, hiccupping with streaming eyes.

She was surprised at his reaction. He made no comment of the deed she had committed, and he seemed to feel no fear towards her, but instead a passionate worry for her safety. Her shoulders began to heave, and she felt an intense need to hug Armin back. But because of the blanket, she was currently trapped in his embrace. The black-haired girl wiggled in his grip until he released. He quickly dropped away from her, and looked ashamed. “S-sorry, that was probably uncalled for. I shouldn’t have-”

Mikasa loosened herself from the confining fabric and quickly adjusted the hug. She enveloped Armin into her blanket with her before he could finish, and he silenced himself with a small gasp. Her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders as she tried to end his tears, but ended up beginning her own. She sobbed loudly on him, her faced pressed against his hair. Her shoulders heaved violently “I won’t, Armin,” she whispered quietly through her choking sobs. She pressed her lips against the top of his head and shifted enough to rest her cheek in his hair, feeling more tears pour down the salt paths on her face. “Thank you.”

Armin seemed startled by her affection at first, taking a moment to fully understand what had happened. Eventually, his arms circled their way around her chest and tightened to return. He pressed his face into her shoulder. “Promise?” He mumbled.

“Yeah.” Mikasa had taken a deep breath in and let it out, calming herself before she spoke. She had him to live for, him and Eren alike.

Hearing her agreement, Armin straightened out of the embrace, leaving his hands on her waist and looked up at her with his eyes hardened and his face stern, yet still salt stained and red. “And if you _ever_ feel like that again, you come find me, ok? Immediately,” he said. “I don’t care if I’m asleep, you will knock on that bedroom door and wake everyone up to get me to you.”

“You need the sleep too,” she laughed, wiping her eyes with the corner of the blanket in her hand. “I can’t come to you every time I have a nightmare.”

“I don’t need sleep as much as you need your life,” he fussed, giving her a small smile. “Even if that means every night, then every night it is.” His eyes bore into hers, searching for her agreement.

She smirked at him and shook her head in amazement. Mikasa roped him into another hug, squeezing his shoulders until he wheezed for breath, praying that her tears would control themselves. “Thank you, Armin,” she said. “I will.”

“Can’t- breathe. M‘kasa,” He puffed, his arms having wrapped back to the way they were.

“Sorry,” she laughed, lightening her hold on him.

“I’m still not going to let you go back to your room alone. You’ll think too much.”

She let out a soft sigh, laced with her laughter. “You’re too smart for your own good, Arlert,” she remarked. Even with her sigh of defeat, and prior wishes to be left to herself, she felt relieved to know she wouldn’t face the night alone.

Or what was left of it, at least. Glancing out of the window, she noticed that it was still dark, but the chirping birds alluded to the coming morning. Mikasa blinked, realizing the heaviness that had settled in her eyelids and she wondered whether it came from her lack of slumber or her crying. Her face felt tight and her head ached. She would give nothing more than to sleep at that moment. “Hey Armin,” she hummed, glancing at his book, “I’ll stay if you read to me. Like when we were younger and you used to tell us about the world outside of the walls.”

She felt a little strange asking for such a request from him, but he breathed out a small laugh and an “okay”, making her forget the feeling. They unwound themselves from the confines of Mikasa’s blanket and he led her back to the window’s ledge. “It’s just one of the text books on titans we all got,” he muttered, picking the thick tome off of the floor.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. She wouldn’t say it out loud, but hearing him read always had lent a source of security and safety to her, especially when they were younger.

They sat on the window sill together, Armin reading in a small whisper and sharing the comforter to keep warm in the small hours of the morning. At some point, the two of them had drifted off, lying against the mess hall window.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably going to edit the ending at some point. It just wasn't coming out very well and just feels a bit rushed. Oh well! I just wanted to be done with this thing.


End file.
